Your child may or may not mean it, but at one point he or she may become difficult to manage. Too often you may find it easier to say the wrong things, without thinking whether or not it will have an effect on your child’s emotions and well-being. According to researchers at the Institute for Applied Research in Youth Development at Tufts University, parents don’t have to get stuck with their foot in their mouth. Here are some things adults are most likely to say when a child throws a tantrum or talks back, and how to approach these more positively:  

 Wrong response #1: “Do this instead.”

When your child asserts his or her independence, you may feel like your parental authority is undermined, and you may have the urge to assert it as well. Children have their own ideas, and part of allowing them to grow positively is helping them make choices, without necessarily pushing yours down their throats.

If your school-age child announces she wants to build a rocket ship for her science project, bite your tongue and hold your ideas. If your five-year old insists on wearing his favorite neon-green shirt and pink shorts, resist the impulse to be judgmental.

Instead of telling your child to do things your way, ask the question, “Do you have any other ideas on what we can do?” or “What would you like to wear besides that?” or “What are your other options?”

You need to ask the right questions to help your child make the right decisions without raining down on his or her ideas. Believe in your child’s capability to make a situation better, but be there to guide him or her.

 Wrong response #2: “You’re acting like a baby.”

Similar things you may say – “You’re acting childish.” It’s easy to say these when your child starts kicking, screaming, or crying over a disappointing situation. But pointing out his or her childishness is simply stating the obvious, and it wrecks havoc on your child’s self-esteem.

Instead, you can first communicate your empathy. Say something like, “I know how you feel” or “I understand that you’re upset” or “It’s okay to be disappointed. If I were in your place, I would be sad too.”

These responses help your child acknowledge that disappointments are normal, and that feeling let down happens to everyone. It helps your child gain control over the situation and let go of negative feelings faster.

 Wrong response #3: “It is not a big deal.”

The world can be a scary place for a young child, so saying this will only make him or her feel that you do not understand. A child who feels that his support system cannot relate will eventually grow feelings of resentment and may isolate himself from you or worse, find other means to let out feelings.

Responses like “I know how you feel” or “I can see this is hard for you” show that you take your child’s emotions seriously. Never dismiss your child’s emotions because if he or she is showing so much frustration, then it really is a big deal to him or her.